Be Your Own Source
If you grew up with a perpetrator in your house, like a judgmental and emotionally abusive dad or a critical and non-present mom, you likely absorbed and internalized their voice in order to gain the illusion of control and power in a situation where you had none.
That voice helped to keep you safe because it helped you to behave in ways that would avoid you being a target.
It seemed like we were exercising our power but what we were actually doing was letting fear train our nervous system to make separation feel more and more real by developing a habit of giving our power away because we felt we had no other choice in a bad situation.
We give our power away when we feel powerless. We give it to mom and dad, yes, and we also give it to the inner “mom and dad” that offers strategies to help us cope and survive.
I felt like I needed a protector as a child because of my environment. So I gave my power to the inner protector.
This protector told me to hide, don’t say anything. Later it told me to smoke pot, drink beer, have sex, watch TV. It was protecting me by making me go unconscious. I believed it. I thought going unconscious meant safe. I trained my nervous system to make me feel safe that way.
Letting the protector take control required that I go unconscious to protect myself. The addictions started. They offer the perception of help to get me through life but ultimately it is a part that needs to be integrated because I don't need that lie to keep living itself out. That lie controlled my thoughts, my words and my actions. That lie being that unconscious = good and safe, while conscious = terror and pain. That’s a lie.
Addictions “protect” you and perpetrate you. They don't really protect you but the fact that they help you go unconscious to whats going on in your life gives us the illusion that it’s helping.
Unconscious to life means helping, means protection and safety. That’s what we believe. And we believe it so deeply that we can’t see it. It becomes automatic, the default.
We turn everything off and go to sleep.
Sleep is good.
This is the war on consciousness.
Make it so unbearable to stay conscious that the only option that makes sense is going unconscious using whatever works and whatever is easy. Leaving ourselves completely vulnerable to whatever wants to invade our psyches and we are the ones who freely consented to it during our most vulnerable years of life.
We chose to checkout because we thought we needed to. It’s a perfect setup. Terrorize enough so that they unknowingly consent to going unconscious and therefore un-empowered.
We can’t see it because we’re so deep in it but our nervous systems show it to us everyday. Our nervous systems signal safety and solutions in situations that are clearly not safe or healthy. But we genuinely feel safe because what’s happening is familiar. When we are in a familiar situation we know what to do because we’ve trained ourselves to know what to do and that feels good.
That doesn’t mean safe. That means survival. It means fear based action.
For example if we have a coping mechanism like wine, wine presents as exactly what we think we need at the end of the day to alleviate stress but what we don’t see is that that dependency is a trap that keeps us coming back to externalizing. Every time we externalize we separate. We out-source. It seems insignificant but it’s really not, it’s the inner perpetrator helping us to go unconscious because we are perceiving life as stressful.
We have to pay attention to our bodies and use critical thinking to understand what it’s telling us.
Sometimes when we meet someone who makes us feel safe it doesn’t mean it’s actually a positive situation to be in, it just means our nervous system is able to go into its trained habitual mode.
It says, I know what to do here so we’re good.
We have to allow ourselves to become conscious enough to see whats happening so we can read the situation correctly.
Autopilot isn’t trustworthy when we haven’t seen through our patterned behaviors.
This is why looking at our own shit is crucial. Coming back online means that we are willing to look. And if we’ve been going unconscious to life for a while, for maybe 20, 30, 50 years, it takes more effort to do this because we’re fighting a nervous system, we created for duality, that just wants to default to what it already knows.
Even if that very thing means giving your power away. It doesn’t care.
But YOU do. You want to reclaim your consciousness so you can see clearly and make choices that are empowering you and not the fiction of duality, of separation.
When you’re conscious, you’re powerful. You can access your power. This is not what’s wanted in this world. When we access our power we become sovereign and free. Freedom means can’t be controlled.
So I think one of the most important things we can do to gain our sovereignty is to look at the inner perpetrator. The one we created to protect us and keep us safe.
We thought it was protecting us but now that we are adults we can see that it was just providing coping mechanisms to survive and we want to do more than just survive. We want freedom from the whole idea that we are a tiny human in a big world just trying to survive. We want to throw that in the trash.
We don’t need to believe that voice that offers temporary relief from perceived anxiety. That voice that judges and criticizes your every move. That’s not you, that’s a fiction and it needs to be seen for what it is.
We don't need to look to mom and dad anymore. We don’t need a guru. We don't need direction from a source that is out there telling us what we need to do. We don't need to look outside.
We need to look at what we’ve got going on in our own nervous systems so that it can rewire itself for freedom, not safety.
So that it can stop controlling our behaviors that are based on fear.
So that we each become our own source.
More to come on this. Thank you.